


angel & jonothan shake hands

by oesterheld



Series: Angel Camisado [4]
Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Dungeons & Dragons - All Media Types
Genre: Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition, Dungeons & Dragons Campaign, Dungeons & Dragons Character Backstory, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:28:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25369147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oesterheld/pseuds/oesterheld
Summary: Angel can't sleep. Neither can Jonothan, apparently.
Relationships: Angel Camisado & Jonothan, Angel Camisado/Robi
Series: Angel Camisado [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1837117





	angel & jonothan shake hands

It’s well after dark, but Angel can’t sleep. He thinks it’s the bed; it’s too soft, he feels like he’s sinking into it. He gets up and considers sleeping on the floor, but it’s already almost 3am, so he figures he doesn’t need sleep tonight anyway. He walks out of the room with no real purpose.

His thoughts catch up to him when he’s on land. On the boat, his mind is working a million miles an hour just to keep it going steady in one direction, to remember all the ropes and levers, but on land, everything slows down to a snail’s pace. He can’t run from himself, try to be something he’s not. He’s forced to look at himself introspectively.

Angel doesn’t like self reflection. In fact, it’s his least favorite thing maybe in the world. He doesn’t think it’s helpful or necessary but here he is, thinking about himself, about who he is, how he reacts to things. He tries to deflect the self reflection by thinking of other people. This is a grave mistake.

The face that floats to the surface of his mind is Georgia’s; the one she had in that photo on the dock with the family. She was so beautiful, looked like all she could fit in her frame was love and affection. Angel thinks, sometimes, he misses her even more than he misses Robi.

How can you miss someone you never knew?

He looks around and realizes he walked over to the private rooms in the bathhouse. He goes to ask the clerk for one, but she says one of his party members is already in, and says he can follow. He nods. It would be nice to talk about the thoughts, maybe that way he can lose them for good instead of trying to outrun them on land.

Jonothan is floating aimlessly in the water, sprawled out in a star shape, staring at the tiles on the ceiling. As soon as he hears the door open he sits up, water going up to his chest. “Oh, were you gonna use the bath? I can leave”

“I wasn’t gonna, but I heard you were in here and thought you’d like company.” Angel strips down to his undergarments and slips into the water.

“What are you doing up so late?” This isn't very weird for him, he's already seen Angel naked, so he doesn't think much of it.

“Bed’s too soft. I don’t sleep in hotels that often. Or on land, for that matter. I feel too heavy, like the bed’s gonna swallow me. It’s better in the water.” He gestures to the bath they’re in. “You?”

“I have weird sleeping issues, I guess. If it's not my bed at home, then it's really hard for me.. And I'm kind of a freak about windows and well, they have BIG windows. The view’s nice though, I guess” He runs his hands through the water, looking down at them. “This place gives me the creeps”

Angel doesn’t really understand this; windows? A boat is all window. It’s just open sky. He doesn’t understand what someone could have against windows, but he tries to sympathize, “I guess I get that. I just don’t like land in general, it’s harder for me to think right.”

Jonothan puzzles for a moment. That's kind of how he feels when he's on the water. “How so?”

“Like…” He tries to figure out how to say it, put words to the feeling, “like my thoughts catch up to me, and I have to think about things. On the ocean, I can look at stars, or man the ropes, and it’s fine, but here, I just have me and my thoughts. The people I’ve hurt.” A dozen faces flash through his head and he dunks his hair under the water to distract himself, pulling up and pushing the blond locks back against his head. 

He nods in solidarity with Angel “That's kind of how I feel on the water, or away from home, I guess. Cant think right.” He sinks a bit further into the water, blowing out through his nose, creating a stream of bubbles.

“Well, you know what the siren said about, uh, post-traumatic… um… I don’t remember, but it made a lot of sense. It’s better when she says it.” Angel blushes.

Jonothan eyes Angel in confusion. “What?”

“When you had your thing, earlier, in the rain. She said it was a.. ptd episode? pt… ptsd! She sounded really smart.” Angel tries to explain.

Jonothan blinks at him. He’s heard of it, but he’s not really sure what it is. “Oh… That? That's just something that happens to me sometimes… What's ptsd?”

Angel takes a breath to collect his thoughts. “When someone goes through something really, really bad, they can’t get over it and they keep going through it even after it’s over. I mean, that’s how it is for me. I think that’s what Vela said.” 

Jonothan shakes his head. “No, no. I’m over it. It must be something else, then… Do you have ptsd?”

“Probably. What Vela said was pretty accurate for me, reliving the bad things. It just happens over and over, you know? But that’s life. Not much of a fix, not for me.” Angel thinks about his new crew’s inevitable deaths. Jonothan’s inevitable death. Because of him. He thinks about obeying orders he doesn’t want to do. Hey, talking about this is nice. The thoughts come and go without much turbulence. Angel realizes that’s not a great topic to be on, though, and he changes it: “So, windows, huh?”

Jonothan cringes. Everyone asks about the windows. “What about them?” 

“Is it like the rain, and how you’re totally over it?” Angel asks bluntly.

Jonothan crosses his arms. “I don't have to explain myself to you” He’s getting defensive. Everyone is always accusing him of things and saying these things that he doesn't understand and it pisses him off.

“You certainly don’t.” Angel eases off. He doesn’t want to cross any boundaries, he just wants Jonothan to be his friend. He would like more of those, and he feels like he and Jonothan could help each other somehow. “It’s nice to talk about this stuff though. We’ve all been through stuff, I’m sure we could relate to a lot of it.”

“Sorry about that” The cogs in Jonothan's head are whirring, and he takes a deep breath. “I guess it is a little nice.. What's your rain- er... your ptsd?” 

Angel understands perfectly. His rain… “I’m not sure I know. It would be helpful for me to know what sets me off, maybe prevent… I just don’t know.” He sighs. Then, he remembers. His voice drops. “Fire.” He murmurs under his breath, like just saying it will set something off. The bath water feels hotter on his skin as he thinks about burning, but he levels his breathing to remain calm, and all the other things Robi taught him to suppress his storm heralding.

Jonothan shakes his head. Fire is really a hit or miss for him. “Fire is.. it’s not good” He stays close to himself, barely shifting in the still water. 

Angel doesn’t really hear him, and he continues, “Storms are like rushing water. I can direct it, control it. Fire is wild and scary, and hot.  _ It  _ controls  _ me _ .” He mindlessly plays with his hair, branching out in the water, and lets his eyes unfocus on it.

Jonothan stares at the tiled walls. Little blue flowers on every corner. It's spotless, it probably gets cleaned every day. “I don't feel like I have control over anything, not anymore. I thought i did, but I think maybe that i'm still helpless,” He speaks so low, it's barely audible. “Weak..” 

“No such thing.” This focuses Angel, and he recalls a conversation he had with Robi about weakness. He tries to parrot Robi the best he can, “There’s only knowing and not knowing. You can only react to stuff you know, and if you don’t know how to react, that’s not weakness, that’s just not knowing. If you’re in a group of people who care about you, who want to protect you, there’s gonna be  _ someone  _ who will know. There’s no weakness here.” He holds Jonothan’s gaze, even when the other man looks away.

Jonothan nods, but his eyes are focused on the way the water ripples when he breathes. What Angel just said is infinitely true. It is! Jonothan doesn't want to accept this. “I guess..” He lets out a low laugh. “Where did that come from?” Angel definitely didn't come up with that, no offense.

Angel laughs, fully aware that he’s too stupid to possibly come up with something like that off the dome. He thinks about saying it was someone he used to know, but that feels disrespectful and wrong. He tries to find a word that’s not Arabic. “Someone I was in love with, once.”

Jonothan frowns down at the water. “What's that feel like...? Love?” Romantic love. Something he's never really experienced. It doesn't feel tangible to him. He’s never been in a relationship, but he loves the idea of it. He loves reading about it, imagining it, but he can't say he's ever really felt it.

A laugh bubbles up from Angel once again, one that could have been a sob if he forgot to curate it carefully. “It feels free. He made me feel like I was allowed to exist.” Angel fiddles with the wood ring on his left hand, fourth finger.

Jonothan smiles at the thought. “That sounds nice.” He thinks of the right thing to say. He says something familiar, something Amaranth once asked him. He hopes the outcome will be different this time. “What was he like?”

“He was honest, and kind. He was passionate. He had a fire, but it was beautiful, you know? Dangerous and scorching hot, but he was so good. Not like-“ He chokes on her name and decides against saying it, “I think you guys would like him.”  _ you’d like him more than you like me _ . He leaves the thought unsaid.

“He sounds nice. Good” Jonothan frowns. Everything Angel says implies he’s gone in some way, whether dead or just… gone. “A lot of my family was- or  _ is _ like that. Intense. Passionate, but.. Really good” Jonothan pulls the rubber band out of his hair, shaking his head to let his hair settle. “I used to be like that."

Angel considers that sentiment. Used to be. “I think I did too.” He thinks about Robi’s Angel and Kala’s Cam. He thinks about who he is now, trying to find the Angel he was when he was free. He doesn’t know if that person is even there anymore. Maybe that Angel died with Robi, sunk into the sea and collected saltwater and ended up dead on the beach, cold and stiff. The image makes him shiver, even in the hot bath water. “The Angel I was when I was his is someone I’ve been trying to find since”  _ I killed him  _ “he died. I don’t know if I ever will.”

Jonothan breathes in deeply, letting out some of the anxiety in his chest with his exhale. “I think that part of yourself isn't gone, it's just… lost” He frowns. He hopes that it isn't gone, he really does.

“Yeah, well, I’m not good at finding things.” He splashes some water aimlessly in a shrugging manner. “Maybe you guys can find him for me. And I can help you find whoever you’re looking for.” He adds as an afterthought.

"I sure hope so" the room is silent for a second, besides the sound of the water shifting and some sort of dripping from an unknown source. Jonothan mourns the part of himself that he lost. He wishes he could get him back, back then he was so much…  _ better _ . He used to be so charming and fun but now..? Now he's nothing. He leans back against the bath, relaxing into the hot water. 


End file.
